wow, where to begin. hmmm - ok i'm just gonna go.
we watched a friend's cheer tryouts at Eastern University last saturday. just so you know - my opinion of cheerleaders is rather low. surprise surprise right? well - if they weren't such bitches - and didn't treat everyone like shit all the time - i'd be ok with them. but the world isn't made of peanut butter and jelly - but - OH BUT! - the world DOES let its children smell like maple syrup. seriously. it's a medical condition. this kid in church - he sat in front of me - he smelled like..uh, Vermont - seriously - he smelled like syrup. his name was Nathan...
anyways - the short version of the cheer tryouts - total flashback to highschool. more specifically - how i felt SO out of place (rollin in with my tow' up jeans and shirt, and creamy yellow chucks) with a big honkin camera - wading through princesses of wide-spread stretching. f'ing AWKWARD. i was so glad alma was with me. she kept me sane and even shared in the awkwardness - which was really nice. anyway - the whole tryout thing was like - nothing like i expected. dem girls actually have to be in shape - and for the first time i actually saw that it takes a little effort to remember routines and chants and cheers OH MY - *gunshots. huh? what?
anyway - there were a few girls that stood out - one alma so rightly named "Your Friendly Neighborhood Cheerleader," - cuz when she did her toe-touch jump - holy shit. she actually jumped over the fucking building. before our very eyes. it was incredible. then there were these two black girls who did f'n back flips across the gym. one of the girls was pretty heavy - but she freakin ended her flips NO-HANDED. she was our favorite - because throughout the "dance" routine they had to learn - she made comments like, "I'MA BREAK MY SPINE!" - and "I'MA BREAK MY TWAT BONE!"
oh yeah - there was also this squeamish lookin boy that was trying out. it didn't really seem like he really wanted it - and quite frankly he sucked it up i thought. i mean - if you wanna cheer - you've gotta really want it. and i mean...really want it. and the weirdest f'ing moment of the experience - the freakin Cheerleading Coach walks right by us, and looks me right in the eye...and asks, "Why aren't YOU trying out?"
holy shit right?
i stumbled around with a, "uhh, uh,..uh.. uh... it's not ME..." (not to mention eyebrows cocked in the full WTF position)
and she replied with, "yeah, it's not my other daughter either."

*dramatic pause for effect*

once i came to my senses - i realized 1 of 2 things.
1) i appear to be skinny and maybe even pretty so i look like some good cheerleader material
2) dinnertime must be awkward at their household - what with the mom and her obviously favored Cheerleader daughter commence into right-side splits after downing their Slim-Fast dinners and just staring at the NonCheerleader daughter - and asking themselves... why? why doesn't she want to be like us? oh why...