current state: absolute sleep deprivation
mood: pleasant and cracked out

i've been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster these past 2 weeks. i totally had a downer post in mind to update my blog with - but then last night happened. ever since i came back from Pakistan - i've been in this weird state of "Who the Heck Am I?" - and after a short ethereal visit to "Oh, so this where I belong"... i nosedived face first into "Oh My Gosh - I Don't Belong ANYWHERE." i know right - total identity crisis. i'm not fully American - but i'm not fully Pakistani. i live in America - but the culture i know is Pakistan. yet i've had to adapt to American culture. i know 2 cultures. i wasn't exactly pakistani enough for pakistan - and america... well. i don't know. i thought i had everything figured out - it was like i could see my place in life... it was nice. but it's all gone. i can't ever know what i'm not supposed to know. i'm just supposed to live and take it as it comes i guess. and of course i have no idea if i'm making sense right now - but that's the beauty of being cracked out. beautifully cracked out.

i entertained the idea of "perfection" in my head for a little bit, a few days ago. i was amused to think that - wow - this concept - of perfection - i can actually think about it - in my brain. but in reality - what really is perfect? the human form is not perfect, our bodies are not perfect, our inner functions don't work perfectly, we don't live perfectly. so what is this concept then? is it because we can reach perfection in reality through nonhuman forms? like making perfect circles and squares, and being able to measure things perfectly... i just thought of something else that's not perfect - and that's nature. oh yeah - nature! forgot about that. it's almost like nature has a life of its own - and many would argue that it does, and really i'm just thinking... what does that mean... life...

geez. anyways - i had an amazing time with my friends last night. all of my freshly surfaced insecurities got to chill out for a while - and just experienced life instead. what is it about Autumn, Adam, Jeremy, and Carisima... that make time not matter, that make drama unnecessary, and make normally not funny things... so. damn. funny.

i'm just kinda in awe. i am truly blessed to have made such awesome friends. i think, for the first time last night, i realized that - the stuff around us doesn't really matter. our obligations, our circumstances, our worries and insecurities... geez - they don't matter! what really matters is making the most of the time we have now with the people we care about. because even in a perfect world, time still manages to...run out...

from left to right: Naveen, Saira, Ruby, me, Moses, Daud, and Monica Eagle up top.


Ruby, Myra, me, Saira. and Saira's 2 feet of hair. deeezammmmm.


Saira, Myra, me, Ruby, Moses, and Monica. look at us all desi'ed out. holla!


Saira hooked me up with some badass mehndi designs on my hands. i wish she was here to re-apply it. i wish they were all here. and we could all go to Six Flags and have a jovial time. COUUUUUSSSSSSIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

i miss you.

right. well. um.
it's been a while.
i got back from Pakistan last week. and all i can say is that the entire trip was incredible. my family - just took my breath away. when i walked in to see my grandma...god, tears were just rollin down my face, and for the first time in a long time - i just shut my mind off - and let my heart take it all in. just take in the people who are indeed my FAMILY, take in how they live, and most of all - just accept their love. they gave it so freely - they just loved me. and i of course loved them - they are amazing. i have a bunch of cousins around my age, give or take a few years...and they were all incredible. they were all beautiful, and charming, and witty... for the first time in my life - i finally realized what was missing out of it...
and it was all of them.

ya know, Pakistan is a completely different universe than America. there was much that i just had to break down and accept. it's a 3rd World country after all - with no real sewerage system, limited running water, and the electricity went out at least 3 times a day. sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour, and one time from 4 am to 8 pm. the heat is unbearable, and the fans are the only thing that kept it bearable - barely. but of course, when the electricity's out - the fans don't run and yes. it gets quite miserable. i never got used to the "bathing" in Pakistan. there's a big tub of water and you take a little pail and dump the water on yourself to "shower." it was quite refreshing to do so at night. that's when you slept the best - after washing off the sweat and dirt that's accumulated through the day. life is so hard there. and i thought life was hard in america... ha. i mean, life is difficult to everyone for sure - but we don't suffer as much as people in other countries do. we actually have the luxury of being lazy. and we indeed keep it a luxury. anyways - amidst the misery of 3rd World living - i have not seen so much beauty in my entire life - as what i had seen in my family and the atmosphere they create and live in.

the food was amazing. they cook everything fresh with fresh ingredients for every meal. the mangoes rocked my world - and now i just laugh at the pathetic excuses of "mangoes" that are in the grocery stores here. and blah blah blah. what really rocked my world, were my cousins. seeing their personalities, and the way they interacted, and how they spoke english, and how they would get irritated by speaking english...lol. they made me laugh so. hard. i LOVED being with them - and they totally made me feel - like a real person. i don't know if any of this makes sense...but I seriously am having a hard enough time processing it all myself. i'm glad i got to stay for longer than a week - and it totally needed longer than a week. i'm glad i came as a 23 year old, with the current maturity level i'm at. i wouldn't have appreciated any of it had i gone at a younger age. i definitely was a different person, at a younger age. i've grown and changed so much, and this trip has precipitated that process even more. and yes, i'm still processing it. it's not often you go off and find a piece to your puzzle. a huge, fulfilling piece at that.

i daydream about them coming to america - all of them - Myra, Saira, Moses, Monica, Max, Ruby, Daud, Sabeen, Naveen, Adel, Imsaal...and the others that i haven't even met yet. there's 20 of us cousins - many of which are married and have children of their own. so if you haven't guessed - my family's FREAKIN HUGE. what i miss most is all of us sleeping in my Maso's (mom's sister) house - and joking and laughing - hanging out in Sadar at 1 in the morning and going to Kudo's and KFC... and coming back home and cuddling up with my sisters. oh man, my family was so touchy-feely - I WAS IN TOUCHY-FEELY HEAVEN!!! everyone is all about massages and holding hands and cuddling - it was GREAT! i'd be next to saira, or myra, or monica - and sometimes ruby - who had the most calming presence i've ever experienced. i could rest my head on her shoulder and she'd run her fingers through my hair...and i'd feel such peace. she was like the older sister that i never had... and saira was my own personal comedian, myra made so sure that every need of mine was taken care of... and i can't wait to go clubbin with monica when she turns 18! and of course moses and max were practically better brothers than my own brother. so many good memories... good trips... good outfits (including the day we all wore jeans!)...
and all the laughs...
i really miss all of them with all my heart.

i've never known what family was until a week ago.
and i'll never be the same without them.

i can't wait to go back. =)