current state: absolute sleep deprivation
mood: pleasant and cracked out

i've been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster these past 2 weeks. i totally had a downer post in mind to update my blog with - but then last night happened. ever since i came back from Pakistan - i've been in this weird state of "Who the Heck Am I?" - and after a short ethereal visit to "Oh, so this where I belong"... i nosedived face first into "Oh My Gosh - I Don't Belong ANYWHERE." i know right - total identity crisis. i'm not fully American - but i'm not fully Pakistani. i live in America - but the culture i know is Pakistan. yet i've had to adapt to American culture. i know 2 cultures. i wasn't exactly pakistani enough for pakistan - and america... well. i don't know. i thought i had everything figured out - it was like i could see my place in life... it was nice. but it's all gone. i can't ever know what i'm not supposed to know. i'm just supposed to live and take it as it comes i guess. and of course i have no idea if i'm making sense right now - but that's the beauty of being cracked out. beautifully cracked out.

i entertained the idea of "perfection" in my head for a little bit, a few days ago. i was amused to think that - wow - this concept - of perfection - i can actually think about it - in my brain. but in reality - what really is perfect? the human form is not perfect, our bodies are not perfect, our inner functions don't work perfectly, we don't live perfectly. so what is this concept then? is it because we can reach perfection in reality through nonhuman forms? like making perfect circles and squares, and being able to measure things perfectly... i just thought of something else that's not perfect - and that's nature. oh yeah - nature! forgot about that. it's almost like nature has a life of its own - and many would argue that it does, and really i'm just thinking... what does that mean... life...

geez. anyways - i had an amazing time with my friends last night. all of my freshly surfaced insecurities got to chill out for a while - and just experienced life instead. what is it about Autumn, Adam, Jeremy, and Carisima... that make time not matter, that make drama unnecessary, and make normally not funny things... so. damn. funny.

i'm just kinda in awe. i am truly blessed to have made such awesome friends. i think, for the first time last night, i realized that - the stuff around us doesn't really matter. our obligations, our circumstances, our worries and insecurities... geez - they don't matter! what really matters is making the most of the time we have now with the people we care about. because even in a perfect world, time still manages to...run out...