ok, so i just found out my grandpa in Pakistan had a stroke i believe - his entire left side was paralyzed for a while. he's in the hospital with my other relatives, and they say he's in critical condition, but he is stabilizing. they say he's breathing on his own now. i was typing my friends an email about movies, and had no idea what was going on until my mom hung up the phone and called out my name. then her voice cracked and i heard nothing else - i looked at her and saw her eyes welled up with tears and she told me my grandpa's left side was paralyzed. she then said, " i don't know if i'll get to see my parents alive." and for the first time in over 10 years, my mom cried in front of me. and i walked up to her and held her - and i felt pain. the kind that blindsides you because you're so caught up in your own life. that pain of realizing your own thoughts cast sidelong glances at what's wrong with the world, or worse - what's wrong with yourself or what may be wrong in the lives of people around you. the people who you are close to. i had to write about this. this is something i need to think about. some of my thoughts are revolving around how selfish i am with my time and energy, the lack of relationships i have between my relatives in Pakistan... i don't even know my grandparents. the last time i saw them i was only 7.
am i prepared to go to a funeral there? how is my mom going to take that... how much pain will she feel? *sigh
i'm glad she lives with me. all i can do is be there for her - and pray that we do get the chance to see my grandparents... soon.